My post about living in the forest, it got worse there.

I tried. In tried to call-in the folks who rescued me from the street and from their own volunteer host. None have the bandwidth for friendship with me. It wasn’t until my interaction with the relocation group ended in a spectacular way did a meeting about restorative justice get scheduled. I wrote my victim statement.

No one calls me. No one believes me but my therapist. These rescuers aren’t my friends like they say. No sisters showed up as friends and once aid ended ive been slowly ignored. Everyone is sick or busy. I’m just a rescue. I don’t rate even tho it was their volunteer host. I heard “we told the whispernet” and general radio silence until I pushed to call-in anyone at all across my own network. One stranger replied but seemed unreliable. Another org member decided nah. The meeting was not inclusive. It left me feeling empty. It felt like I was there to convince them it happened. It’s taken time to digest that I’m just another driver of policy and not a person here.

I finally cracked today and dropped 2 victim statements in a local trans activist discord. The one from Utah and the one here.

My daily life is now worse than in Utah. I’m in transitional housing that was misrepresented and I’m harassed every day in my room or in the shared spaces. My harasser calls the FBI every day to report me for gender terrorism. I should have killed myself in Utah like I planned.

I’m not going to try again. I’m ending my mutual aid and direct action. Folks I helped fucked us over by returning to Indiana and compromising their safehouse. I deleted almost everything. I need to find someone who will take Bear.

Between now and then, if you are in relocation spaces in the PNW or in the u.s. and want the statement I will provide it on request and vetting so act soon. If you know folks in these spaces, there are many, tell them too. These people are planning a trans refuge here. I’m alone hanging my ass out on this one until I wrap up. No one is standing with or beside me and I’m done standing alone.

Never fucking forget that justice delayed is justice denied. Ask yourselves why Huerta didn’t disclose and who benefited from her silence. I don’t even come close her caliber. I’m just some random asshole.

I’m using my voice one last time. The fuckers in the forest are watching this account.

Mir, Jess, you both are hunks of shit.

• Opal Wild

i was invited to stay at this guy’s house by a supposed anarchist running a pride-union support group. he behaved very strangely but i ignored the red flags because doing activism is difficult and folks need to unpack their phobias, internalized and otherwise. none of us are without some bigotry or bias.

week 3, he confesses he is actively suicidal. i suggest he could turn over his firearms to me. he does. i am also actively suicidal so i gave the parts to his friend.

then, recently, he confessed to aggravated sexual assault. his victim was sleeping. he blamed his victim twice. this fucker refused to give me any details except that one other person knew and that he had not made amends or been held accountable socially or otherwise. all those red flags dropped into place bigger than before. i went to his trans partner and told them and then i lost my shit bad.

a complete lack of empathy for others. centers himself and his feelings. no concern for the impact of his behavior on others. learned helplessness. barely suppressed rage. resentment towards those he has been doing direct action with and for. zero self-awareness. zero agency. repeatedly talks about union martyrs and their statues. pretends to listen. has no concern for the horrible dynamic he created and how i am a gender-dysphoria and medically papered american homeless transsexual hooker and he is a well-connected american white cis man in positions of power and influence in union and pride spaces. he lies to everyone all the time. the lies by assent and omission are the most glaring. his facade is a lie by commission.

he never seems to have an idea for activism on his own. he creeps around this house like he doesnt want to be perceived. he has zero life outside of the activism save the bar and the apps. good can be done by evil and fuck anyone who excuses abuse because someone provides some resources to the unsheltered and tables at pride events for unions. he is a menace.

its clear to me that his partner, some of the support group attendees, and myself were being used for his narcissistic validations and to seek absolution. i broke down. these are people i have started friendships with and care about. he knew i am a SA survivor with abusers that were gay men like him and decided to tell me anyway. he had me all fucked up and i let him have it. all my past shit came flooding back and i reproached, chided, berated, insulted, and was mean as fuck to him. i know he’s sick but fuck this guy. a sexually assaulting fraud purposefully exploiting vulnerable people and groups.

im barricading the door at night. i made a fork lock to help make it more difficult to enter and give me time to grab my jack handle. im burning down every avenue he has to continue abusing folks or get in positions of power locally. this weekend i am going to tell a group of activists about his sexual assault, it’s severity, and his exploitative behavior towards me. the only justice he will see is social justice. he fucked with the wrong tranny.

im not a pussy and i survive so fuck this guy for looking and finding me and killing what little trust i had. fuck him for making my paranoia bloom. fuck him for his betrayal of my goodwill and support for his activism. he has done good but he is also an asshole of monumental proportions who will just use people for his own emotional needs.

shit’s fucked yo. this is my life and fuck it. i cant curtail these nihilistic feelings and thoughts right now and i dont care to. im all fucked up and i dont care about what happens to me anymore. how can i do anarchism now? i dont believe in anything and im deep in survival mode. the meaning ive found in life were my relationships with folks and i cant imagine i will have another one with any degree of trust. im old and tired and fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. FUCK RESTORATIVE JUSTICE I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER THAT PATHETIC FUCK IDGAF FUCK YOU DONT @ ME

i was invited to stay for as long as i needed. i told him i was an SA victim. 3 months later, all my food is here, my stuff, and he confesses he sexually assaulted someone. now, i have to leave, tell his trans partner who i bonded with of course, lose all my food, and like a million other details that i cant process rn because i just want to fuckin die. i dont know how without any money or prospects to get out of here. telling his gf is gonna blow up her life and mine too, as if it wasnt already exploded.

i thought i could get some time here to sleep in a warm place and try to earn enough to get into one of the trans pipelines to the pnw or colorado. no one will hire me and no one that wants to pay me for a date seems to want anything but to humiliate me and make me afraid while they do whatever. i cant even give blood because i dont have a lease or utility bill.

im likely to be shut out of the mutual-aid and direct action i was doing. this guy is well connected and im just an old homeless tranny hooker that is too ugly to get dates so i cant even do that. everyone feels so bad for me like that is my actual purpose on this earth to be that person that lets people feel relieved they arent me. old homeless trans are less than dog dirt on someones shoe. dont wash it off even. shoe must be destroyed.

ive told the people i know that care about me who he is and where im staying in case anything happens to me. i mean, dudes dont like losing social status and im now a known risk to him and his carefully constructed public persona. im not even a person in this. im an NPC in his facade of a life.

i dont even have enough stuff to block the door and im sleeping with my knife now. like surviving has any meaning now anyway. all i can think about is telling my friend, his partner. maybe when i do he will go postal and kill me since im too broke to buy blues to kms and i dont want to suffer when i die. like maybe i should lean into this. what else do i have to look forward to in the good ol USA?

anyway, this is homeless trans life.