Meet me at the Texas dog cock museum and we’ll sort this out like real femboys.

It’s just about the only thing I ever eat

You know several years ago I modified my dad’s asshole to dispense coins whenever he got punched in the face. I signed him up for boxing and made a lot of money every time he lost. I got a lot of shit from people about it though because he had dementia but I used the money on an experimental dementia treatment for him that caused him to die. Lucky for me I brought him to a taxidermist to have him stuffed and the unlimited coins out the asshole trick still works.

This meme is about at good as eating the dog shit you stepped on in the parking lot off your shoes in a Walmart change room while getting a blowie from the self checkout machine’s card reader. The security guards don’t like that you take the checkout machine away into the change room either. What I’m getting at is that it fuckin sucks man.

My favorite apple update so far is the Honeycrisp, deliciously sweet and doesn’t turn brown within 2 minutes. Perfect for turning into a pipe and smoking meth out of and then turning into a candy apple once done. I like to keep all the candy apples and give them out to the elves on Christmas Eve as a thank you for helping Santa fulfill the Christian prophecy of toy socialism for children.

🎵Papa Smurf can I like yo ass?

Yeah lick my ass bitch! 🎶

That’s about all I know, however I’ll gladly tell you all about my brother’s grandson’s best friend’s dentist’s favourite movie. It’s Harry Potter and the urine filled dick. It’s about this boy magician at some kind of British school for the dumb and he wakes up with a serious piss boner but all of the bathrooms are being magically sealed by some evil asshole, so he tries to relieve himself into a cup but a magical plug forms on his pee hole and he can’t get it out. He spends the entire movie reading all these magical tomes to try and find a way to break the spell because he’s just so goddamn uncomfortable. In the end he dies because his bladder explodes but thanks to all the magic he learned his piss explosion breaks all the magical seals in the world and somehow also cures bladder cancer, but only for dogs. For some reason it didn’t work on humans so I think they’ll probably explain that in the sequel.

Dude what the fuck

Ole Ribbit Dick Jimmy is going to be upset he can’t watch his favourite frog porn, you know the one where the frog sticks the entire length of his tongue in the other frogs ass and it distended the other frog’s throat bulge thing.

Problem: fidget spinner covered in cum, won’t spin anymore

Solution: no jackin’ it while do the spinny

Corporate solution: increase price of ADHD meds by 500%

Hello Mr elephant

My neighbor’s daughter bought an induction stove for her best friend who happens to be a trans dwarf porn star. She goes by Munchkin Cock Jenny and let me tell you she can cook a hell of a good meal on that thing. She hosted us all for Thanksgiving breakfast last year and made Vienna sausages with coconut rice and strawberry rhubarb pie, all mixed together on the stovetop. None of it got hot because she just placed it all on the surface but at least she tried. She died of meningitis about 4 hours after we left which is unfortunate because whoever had to deal with her estate had to clean the stovetop.

My queer dicked uncle was just telling me about this the other day when my phone rang and some guy claiming to be from “your local aviation company” called me airplane cock and hung up right away. I still don’t know what it means but one things for sure, my cocks small enough to fit in a 20byte file.

My coworker once asked to me take out a loan so she could buy some kind of trinket, I told her no and gave her my old PS2 instead. Ever since then she gives me a real good Nantucket Narb Snarfie before bed every night. I’ve never ejaculated so much in my life. It’s a shame she passed away 54 years ago.