Yep, on my 7th day of “getting off kratom”, I relapsed. I don’t feel bad tho. In fact, I’m much calmer than I’ve been this past week.

I know how addiction works. I know this is part of it. But the reason I relapsed is the reason I don’t feel bad.
The first few days were pure depression. No motivation or pleasure from anything. It wasn’t fun, but it was bearable. However, in the past couple of days, something in my brain switched. Instead of pure depression, my brain started alternating between depression and pure, unfiltered anxiety. And crippling anxiety at that…

I’m an anxious person. I know that. But this was honestly something different. Nearly every waking moment I was stressed af, literally shaking, trying desperately to be productive and distract myself. Being in public was torture. And when I wasn’t anxious, I was back to being depressed. Honestly, the depression was much preferable, because I didn’t feel the existential dread and all of my life problems towering over me, like I was gonna have a heart attack or faint all the time. This was by far one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. And so I discussed it with my bf…

We struck a deal. One day of the week, I can go crazy with kratom. Otherwise I take none. That’s the deal.
Honestly? I predict I’ll feel great that one day and spend the rest of the week in withdrawal. But to be brutally honest, even that one day is worth it. Cause this anxiety…it’s hard to put into words. It’s pure hell. Always stressed, unable to relax at all, heart rate always through the roof, permanently in fight-or-flight mode. It’s really hard to describe…but it’s the worst.

Today is that day. I already had some. And right now, I feel calm. I finally don’t feel like the walls are closing in on me constantly. I feel like I can do stuff without having a panic attack. I feel…good, honestly.

And that’s it. I needed to get that out. You can judge me, call me a junkie or say that I’m just making up excuses to take drugs. All of those are probably true. But…I just know that I wanna live. I wanna make it through this winter. I wanna be somewhat “normal”. And I want the SSRI I’m taking to kick in soon, to help me with anxiety at least a bit…

Honest to god, I’ve never judged anyone for their drug use. I don’t think I’ve ever used the word “junkie” to refer to an actual person. It’s common in my country, people look down on them, insult them, call them names and say how it’s all their fault. I see them as people, cause they are. I honestly believe that they’re not at fault. I think anyone can fall into a bad habit and people shouldn’t be judged and dehumanized for that. But what do I know? I’m just a naive person who gives money to beggars on the street that ask for spare change, while all the people around me call them nasty names and insult them and dehumanize them and say that they should “just find a job”…

I’ve never judged a person for their drug use. And, even if it’s naive, I’d like to be treated the same way I treat these people.
I can’t force anyone tho ofc, so do what you want…I won’t care either way.

I started thinking about this cause I’m currently going through kratom withdrawal myself, which is an opioid receptor agonist. I’m basically going through a very mild version of opioid withdrawal, which is certainly manageable, but not pleasant, with its flu-like symptoms.

So, opioid use disorder used to be (and still is) a huge problem in some countries. The stronger and commonly abused opioids, like heroin, morphine and fentanyl, as I understand it, are extremely addicting, but I’m no expert on this subject.

What I don’t get tho…is for opioid use disorder, doctors prescribe methadone? Another synthetic opioid? Why? I’m genuinely curious.
From a quick Wikipedia read, it seems that methadone does cause addiction itself and withdrawal is actually longer than other opioids, that are used recreationally. Are the withdrawal symptoms less severe? Is it an effective form of treatment? I really do not know and I’m quite curious.

If someone had personal experience to share, that would probably be best.
But my question is basically: Methadone? Why the fuck do they prescribe that for opioid use disorder?

Sorry for the stupid question, I’m not very well educated on this subject and also really curious.

Or rather, when people ask me about my life in general. The absolute worst is when I’m doing something on my PC next to someone and they look at my monitor and start talking to me. I just can’t do it…I completely lock up, freeze and try to breathe. I don’t know what’s worse, the gnawing feeling of someone’s eyes on my monitor, which to me feels like a massive invasion of privacy for some reason, or the fact that I’m being disturbed, forcefully having my attention directed away from what I’m doing. It’s why I strongly prefer to sit in a place where nobody can see my monitor, not even from a reflection. I’m not even doing anything I should be ashamed of, I just fucking hate the feeling, honestly.

This isn’t new. Even at 10-11, when me and my mother were walking, she used to ask me about the book I was reading. And I just…froze completely. I felt like I was being interrogated for no reason at all. So I stopped talking. She got upset, ofc and I got upset too. And…that wasn’t the only time this happened. Every time someone asks me about what I’m doing, I know they’re gonna be upset, I know exactly what’s going to happen…but it’s always the same anyway. I just can’t…talk. I don’t want to. Why won’t they just leave me alone? I hate it…

My current bf. I’ve told him multiple times to not ask me what I’m doing. I said that if I felt comfortable, I would tell him myself. Well…of course he doesn’t respect that. Just like many other things I ask him to respect…
And every single time it’s the same. He asks, I shut up completely cause I feel I can’t tell him, he gets upset, I get upset and start crying and then we’re just both pissed at each other…all because of me.
The monitor thing is even worse tho. I hate it with a fucking passion. Our PCs are next to each other (I have a laptop), but I do my best to always move to a place where he can’t see my screen when he’s sitting next to me. Because he always does…no matter how many times I ask him, no matter how hard I try to explain how fucking awful it makes me feel…nothing. So I sit away from him every time.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know why I’m like this. I just wish people would let me work and rot at my computer in peace. It’s not like them asking will make things any better. With me specifically, things get much worse. And…I’m starting to kind of blame myself. This is definitely a me problem…