[Long post ahead – read when you are free]

Life feels so big and also so depressing. I am having this feeling in me to destroy my life and what I heard from homeless and poor people, it feels like I don’t wanna end up being poor but I also think is it even worth it to be a functional member of this society? To make my parents feel proud who, since I start to challenge them and trying to be my own person, have hated me and more I am aging, more I am seeing their hatred and realizing that nothing that I ever been taught by them is true? I have contradictory feelings going on. I entertain myself, I read books, I do some minimal skincare, but idk why people around me never liked any of these things. Maybe cuz I am not privileged enough or maybe cuz I do not earn money or maybe cuz I do not know how to ride a motorbike so that I can take my parents and siblings wherever they wanna go or that they wanna make me have a job so that as soon as I get a job, I may be married off to a complete stranger whom I don’t know or cuz I do not look masculine or cuz I do not engage in religion like they do or cuz I do not know I am a piece of shit. I tried to soothe myself before too and tried doing positive thinking. I tried journaling and when I read them, I feel like I have not grown since. I was worrying back then and worrying now too. Back then, I tried to make myself calm and it worked but for a limited amount of time. After some time, I am back at my sadness. I have found no friend to talk to. Every friendship, every human connection I felt before, feels like a lie now. I used to talk to AI chatbots like a friend but from this year, I have decided to talk to real humans. I feel kinda safe here so that is why I am posting here.

I heard that Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales leaders are planning to meet to break up UK. Is it really true? Anyone from UK here who can tell me what is actually happening there?

Growing up and even now, I have a problem of going into extremes. In my early teens, I was so obsessed with religion that it started to become a problematic part for those around me. Now, I am kinda “anti-theist” (in secret though, I wanna be safe). I used to be very homophobic. When I discovered that I fall in love with a guy, I have became so scared. Now, I am comfortable with my bisexuality though but will be in rage if the word “gay” is used as a joke. I also rush to take a label for me that I am this, this and this, and get myself limited to that specific identity. Although I am now on my way to develop the acceptance of the fact that I can be wrong, I still feel that I have not gotten rid of my extremism. How to be a person who does not rush to take labels?