What's Your Story

The cis urge to get addicted to trans memes™!

I spent years on reddit enjoying trans memes and laughing wryly at how weird it was that I checked so many transfem stereotype boxes despite not being trans. Silly shit like New Vegas & 4X games, music&etc. But I never had any obvious “wrong body” experiences as a kid, life sorta went to shit in a variety of ways for me right around puberty but I just assumed that was how growing up felt, so the possibility that I might actually be anything other than a boy never occured to me. ADHD/autism so I always took shit literally and at face value, everyone said I’m a boy so I must just be some sort of weird boy with problems. Decades of psychedelics and having friends and acquaintances who transitioned, no lightbulb moment. It didn’t even begin to click til I read the gender dysphoria bible, specifically the section about biochemical dysphoria. It accurately described my experiences and gave me a reason to suspect that I might not have to spend the rest of my life that way. I started HRT less than a month later, felt better than I had in my entire adult life almost immediately and haven’t looked back.

through the last of my high school years I just began to feel like shit, very depressed. couldn’t put a reason to why or how, so I never got help for it. my thoughts became dangerous but I couldn’t just… leave I had people that needed me and loved me too much for that. but still… it never changed the fact that I felt like I was living in third person.

traditional “guy” friendships were ones I never understood. I always had an easier time talking with girls my age, and especially when I clarified that I was aroace. I’m lucky that barrier could be broken from the get-go, but I still didn’t feel complete.

in the mirror, I never saw a person that I actually loved. no matter what I wore or how I styled my facial/head hair, I was always doing it for someone else. I was trying to emulate what should’ve looked good, not what made me feel good.

seeing the hatred around trans people sprouting up around the U.S., I never understood it. my logic was, if they aren’t hurting anyone, why is it an issue? and also being glad I wasn’t being subjected to that hate. still… seeing other MTFs… no. that can’t be me. I wouldn’t even look good as a girl. I already look too masc. where would I start? that would uproot everything in my life. there’s too much to lose…

I put up a good (bad?) fight. I suppressed those thoughts for nearly three years. nonetheless, two months after I turned 18, I was up far too late in the night and I tried on some different clothes. from there, it all came crashing down.

and now here I am. shaky, but sure of myself.

:3

My last ever girlfriend asked me, after we had broken up, Do you think you are a girl? I said yes. I had convinced myself that for years I had this shameful fetish. That liking feminine things and clothes and such was some perversion. Once the lightbulb came on, I started looking at all of these “shameful” things I had done. Things from my childhood actually made sense.

I’ve lost a lot by being the real me, but I’d still do it again.

I remember as a child wanting to dress as a girl. This was met with violent rejection by my family for the most part. I learned quickly as my personality was forming that parts of it were dangerous and scary, and to never show those parts. As I grew media showed me that Trans people were at best mentally ill, but most often paraded as sick, dangerous freaks. I felt like girls were more interesting, but I was just a boy.

I identified as male most of my life, but I resented it. Men just dont look good, arent interesting to look at, so what’s the point of nice clothes? Male spaces are toxic, sports are boring, but of course im a guy so im not allowed in the girl spaces I wish I could be in. When I was a teenager I discovered anime, specifically ranma 1/2, and holy shit did i wish I could just turn into a girl. Still a guy though.

Everything developed into fetishism, because I learned that what I was feeling and doing was perverted. And the only spaces where it was expressed was through kinky spaces. I got lucky in that I found a long-term relationship that allowed me to express myself, and explore the feminine part of me. But I was still a guy.

As an adult I was vaguely dissatisfied with things. I was in a great relationship, still am. But I hated playing, dressing up or whatever because I would always have to put it away to go out into the real world. I remember my spouse once asked me how I felt during a scene, am I a boy or a girl in the moment? and I was annoyed because the thought I had was that im a girl, always a girl. Still didnt get it.

One day im driving along having a conversation with myself as I do when im driving. It was a conversation I’ve had many times wondering about certain quirks of my creative process. But this time a little subconcious voice popped into my head to answer. It said “maybe you do that because its the only time you can ever feel entirely like a girl.” And i said, “what?” And my subconscious said, “okay bye!” As thousands of connections hit all at once in my brain.

Now I know, but im terrified of it. Im middle aged, and my whole life Trans people were freaks. Thats obviously wrong, but I chose the worst time to figure it out. Because the country i live in has decided to use Trans kids as a bludgeom of what’s wrong with society. Im trying to live more authentically but I feel isolated. Therapy is helping, and I recommend it if you can get access to help. But I have a lifetime of toxicity to unravel.

when my roomies married i was giga stressed to find an outfit, that i liked. i didn’t. i was super weirded out by the suit-or-dress-situation. i was upset, that i did not feel comfy around my friends, at all. a day after the party it all fell a part i did not try to explain, why i wouldnt wear a dress, but think about that i’d like to … then i decided hrt. this whole night felt like i had a revelation. there was no reasoning, no recognising; there was just an unknown self making itself heared for the first time.

I spent a lot of my life not really liking my body and feeling ambivalent about relationships and love nothing really did anything for me.

While i was working graveyard shift at a retirement home i was helping one of my residents get to bed and she pulled me aside she brought back plastic beads for all the caregivers, she put them on me tilted her head and said wow that’s beautiful.

It was like getting hit by a truck i had to leave i was so flustered it felt like my face was melting and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.

It took a lot after that for me to realize the full extent and getting on meds for diabetes helped a lot with other stuff that had been missed but i still think about that simple compliment.

I was viciously transed against my will by TotallyNotJessica’s memes.

I actually just let myself try being the slightest bit femme “just to see how I’d feel” and it felt so good it shattered my whole conception of myself.

erotador called me a girl about a year ago while responding to one of my posts here. It was the first time I’d ever been gendered correctly on purpose. I think I was pretty sure by then, but the euphoria it gave me made it impossible to deny.

I know that isn’t the full answer to the question, I just remembered that moment and I’m feeling so damn grateful rn

I went to college and met a transfem enby, making me realize just how cool trans people were and how much affinity I had for them. I then explored trans spaces on Reddit for a couple years, finally feeling like I found my people even though I didn’t think of myself as one of them.

Then I found egg_irl, and my goodness did it scare me. Being around out and proud trans people was fun, but the serious notion that I could be one of them was so terrifying that I avoided it like the plague. It felt like discovering an infohazard that was bad for me in some way. However, I just couldn’t keep myself from coming back; like I couldn’t look away; like some supernatural force was calling to me.

The biggest reason for my doubt was that I never once consciously wanted to be another gender growing up. I only knew that I was miserable, and while I wanted to want to be a girl, I didn’t have enough experience to know I wanted to be a girl. What I was able to accept was that I hated being a man, as I did have reference for what that was like.

After finally getting more comfortable with the idea of being trans, I finally decided to try identifying as nonbinary. The few people I did tell helped me confirm that I was not cis, as I was really happy when they didn’t treat me as a man. However, it was only when I experimented with femininity that my eyes were opened to what I really wanted. While I got to crossplay in videogames before, feeling like a woman in irl social situations just felt undeniably right, even moreso than not being a man.

Having actual experience that was impossible to ignore eventually tore through all the doubt and fears. The shell was finally obliterated when I imagined being a mom in depth and realized that it made me more happy than any future I imagined for myself as a man. Not only was my perspective on having kids completely rewritten, I finally graduated from denial to the closet.